Shame in Relationships: Healing Mistakes, Regret, and Remorse

I could listen to Rick all day. Such authenticity and compassion

I deeply respect Rick’s frankness and openness including sharing his own experiences. This is absolutely unique! 👏👏👏

Thank you both. That was beautiful and richly woven. Sarah, South Australia

I find you always speak of these very human conditions with amazing insight and kindness along with a framework that is not elusive. It gives real world concreteness.
Amazing goodness and wisdom. Thank you!

Very airy fairy. Assumes both persons in a relationship are open and ready to deal with each other. Their past traumas being acted out in relationship, control issues, etc act as barriers to this friendly process.

What do you do if the partner really believes they are doing nothing wrong in a dysfunctional relationship?

Was hoping Rick would take the risk and tackle some of the deeps challenges/regrets that occur in marriages: infidelity… cases where there is a power differential and one-sided ‘repair’ that must occur before a couple can decide whether rebuilding is an option. Shame is a huge component here – often for both parties and I think infidelity, despite occurring at alarmingly high rates, is grossly misunderstood by many therapists .. and the betrayed partner is often re-traumatized by questions regarding their ‘role’ in the marriage break down. Infidelity is NOT a marriage issue. The responsibility of repair falls solely on the unfaithful and repair after infidelity extends far beyond an apology and stopping the destructive behavior. Both partners contribute to rebuilding – but only one person has the responsibility of repairing safety and trust. Additionally, while it’s fair to focus on couples where one person is highly critical (and I appreciate that he connected this to a person feeling de-valued – in many instances that criticism is a last ditch attempt at connection with a partner that withdraws or stonewalls), I would have liked Rick to touch on another barrier to healing harm in relationships – the fact that some people who have made extremely hurtful/ destructive choices, struggle integrating incompatible self-states – often due to extreme shame – which prevents them from showing up for their partner’s experience and so the ongoing suffering can be enormous.

Thank you, Rick and Chris, for an interesting and thought-provoking session on the therapist’s role in creating balance in couples’ therapy between attitudes of resentment and attitudes of shame. Two diverse perspectives emerged from the conversation, both intended to arrive at the same conclusion: creating space for growth in relationship rather than isolating/alienating one party or the other. A very sensitive topic dealt with in a very balanced way.

So much to appreciate about this exchange on shame. Some nuggets: “the greater the charge, the more important it is to have some clarity” Using mindfulness to step back from that intensity by allowing the waves of remorse flow through us and then inviting self-compassion in with a sense of our underlying innate goodness: “Whatever you did in the past you can live right today” using the model of selecting a friend we admire and what we appreciate about them ‘that is down to earth and genuine rather than an impossible standard, knowing that the friend also has foibles….

While i agree with the basi premise about trying to do good things to avoid shame, can’t this just perpetuate or deepen shame for those who have little control over some things, such as hyper and/or impulsive people with ADHD (which most times therapists & even psychiatrists never even consider, if client is undiagnosed, Or has little understanding about their unique struggles…
It was disappointing that Rick is so unfamiliar with Gabor’s work, or anything related to body expressions of emotion …

Very interesting! How to face relationships with ‘wisdom’…. a lot of things to learn… Thank you both!

Rick and Chris have been two of my greatest teachers as a Mindfulness-focused therapist and I’m so grateful for this insightful and sometimes funny conversation. I’m taking both key insights and practical suggestions from the talk.

This was so helpful! I’ve noticed a connection between shame and compulsive behavior. Gabor Mate talks about it in his work with addicts. They experienced trauma as children and were overwhelmed by the shame/inability to reconcile their feelings. Once I understood that connection it helped me see people, even those who had wronged me deeply, in a different light.

Rick Hanson, I admire his devotion, humility .
Very sorry to have missed this series. Anna

Sorry I was not able to join in and wished that the all the videos were available for at least a week rather than 48 hours. Please reconsider.

I appreciate your kind clarification around shame and the impact on relationships. And how to work with it in my own marriage of 46 years. As we age our childhood “demons” keep coming and going. Again, thank you.

I spent a lot of time in a remote area and time alone in the wilderness and this happened to me. thanks

Thanks Rick & Chris,
I know much of your work very well Rick and I experienced this presentation and your shared interaction as very real, embodied and honest. I enjoyed your humility, vulnerability, humor and warmth as you explored shame and shaming in individuals and couples. Rick, your tentative exploratory stance and suggested options were very valuable indeed. Thank you both again.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom.

every thanks for sharing your expertise.
much appreciated.
Jenny

Value in helping the partner mindfully notice the efforts/changes, and notice the associated feelings (eg fear to trust etc)…

Thank you Rick and Chris for this wonderful conversation. I’ m married since 10 year with my husband that unfortunately he’ is an alcoholic. I went trough a lots of sad and dramatic moments related to his behavior and I’m suffering a lots. Do you have any suggestion for me to help my self? Books, podcast… Thank you
Kindly Bella

Thank you for this profound conversation. What really stood out for me is how we, as therapists, react to power dynamics when it comes to the skills we bring in the therapeutic process. It makes me reflect of the importance of self-awareness to bring in humility as a therapeutic process – not the expert, but a support system. Thank you! Thank you!!!

Thank you for this broad and deep conversation – very helpful.

two real menches

He’s a knowledgeable clinician, no doubt. But I sense a lack of respect when he talks about clients. Doesn’t sit well with me.

Thank you, I appreciate so much this wonderful conversation.

I appreciate the distinction made between the mind’s integrity system and the being’s integrity system. Powerful

This was a really meaningful conversation, thank you! Personally, a lot that resonates with me in my current situation, for which I’m grateful.

Always enjoy everything Rick shares and so nice to hear all your insights as well, Chris. Undoubtedly, always so grateful how listening to this, annd with such calming tones ?, also helps me in any and all roles! ? Counselor’s dream talks, people. ?

Thank you for this. One of the points to think about I take away is How do I work with my professional skills in a way that doesn’t drive the other person away by threatening or intimidating them? And what is my relationship with my skills in the first place?